Friday 27 July 2007

The Stone...

Ah, the first week back after holiday.
It always sucks, but this week has sucked harder than usual, as a trip to the hospital had finally revealed the cause of the longstanding intermittent pain in my left side: a kidney stone about the size of a penny. It was found by ultrasound, which gave me flashbacks to when Nini was pregnant - it felt odd to be the one lying down with my belly smeared in jelly. Did you know they warm that jelly up for you? The ultrasound machine is fitted with a little jelly heater. Very civilised...
Of course, this being the era where every piece of information imaginable is available on the internet, I promptly made the classic error of Googling my diagnosed illness. Big mistake. The first site I looked at showed rows of extracted kidney stones displayed like colourful alien sweeties, and some of them were distinctly spiky. And huge! Great big, nasty jagged shiny things that wouldn't look out of place being thrown by a ninja...
I don't know what the treatment is - there are choices, depending on what the stone is made up of - but the likeliest is the one I'm least keen on: shattering it with low frequency sound, and then 'passing the pieces'. I read a sufferers account of this and he said the treatment was fine at the time - it was the week of agony afterwards that he spent "pissing blood and gravel" that was problematic.
I relayed these concerns to Nini. She wasn't that helpful:
N: "Ah, it'll be fine. It's really common. Just a few days off work."
P: "You're not listening: Blood will come out. Out of my hampton."
N: "You won't feel it. You'll be on very strong drugs"
P: "Focus, will you? You're missing the point. Blood. From my hampton."
N: "You'll be with your family."
P: "Listen, I'll say it again slowly: Blood. From. My. Hampton."
N: "I'll get you some of those muffins you like. That will take your mind off it..."
P: "Muffins? Muffins? You think that muffins will take my mind off the fountain of gore pouring out of the end of my..."
N: "Ooooh, the girls can make you a get well card! That should keep them quiet for a bit..."

Not much sympathy there from the better half - but then she has given birth to two babies that nearly weighed 9lb each, so she probably feels that she has earnt some prior authority on the whole 'severe pain/stuff coming out of your special place' front.
It'll be a few weeks before the doctors decide what they'll be doing with The Stone (my capitals), but I'm sort of hoping they just dig the thing out with forceps, or even cake tongs, or pinking shears - whatever they like, as long as it's quick...