Sunday, 5 October 2008

Enjoy our fun quiz! Round 2.

Scenario: A man is lying in bed, 'enjoying' his Saturday lie-in, during which the noise of his children in the room below is pitched at exactly the right level to ensure that actual rest/sleep seems like it should be possible, but actually isn't.
His wife is also downstairs, listening to Radio 2, and Aretha Franklin's version of 'I say a little prayer' comes on the radio, which was the song chosen that the man and his wife chose for their first dance at their wedding. Unlike most of his wedding, which passed in a blur of flowers and relatives, the man can remember their first dance with crystal clarity, because somebody videotaped it and he has since watched it for himself. This is how the man has come to know, definitively, that he is not a dancer: one onlooker, presumably unaware that the event was being recorded, memorably described the event at the time as being like "an elegant swan leading a semi-trained bear around the dance floor"'. (The man harbours no ill-will to the unknown commentator for this description; in fact he thinks the comparison was fairly generous, as he thought that his 'moves' were strangely redolent of a man in a strait-jacket trying to kick his way out of an invisible sack.)
While he is thinking about this, the bedroom door opens, and the mans wife appears. She has been listening to the song, and fond memories of their wedding day have triggered a sudden surge of affection: as a result she has brought the man a cup of tea to drink in bed.
As the astonished man sits up and takes the cup, the noise of hurried footfalls is heard on the stairs...

Question 1: The approaching footfalls are those of the man's eldest daughter, who enters the room at 28 mph and launches herself at the bed from a distance of one metre. Given that she is of average weight and height for a 4-year old, and that this scenario occurs in standard gravity, approximately what downforce will be applied to the man's stomach and testicles when she lands on them?

Question 2: How many blows with a standard issue sledgehammer does this equate to?

Question 3:The man has been with his wife for over a decade, and has been thoroughly house trained/broken-in. Given that he knows the value she places on soft-furnishings, what is the statistical chance that he will somehow maintain the presence of mind to set down the cup of boiling liquid on the bedside cabinet before starting screaming?

Question 4: Although the bedclothes will remain untouched, how much hot tea will be splashed liberally over the mans hands and forearm? In the scheme of things, will he even feel it?

Question 5: Given that the man has suffered some form of testicular collision on an approximately weekly basis ever since his daughter learned how to walk, is there any chance the area will have somehow 'toughened-up' or calloused over enough for him to feel only minor discomfort, rather than gutwrenching pain?

Question 6: What will the mans wife say to him?
a) "Don't spill any tea on the bedclothes!"
b) "Oh, cowboy up, cupcake - she barely touched you."
c) "Don't swear like that in front of the children."
d) "Oh, get up, will you? We have things to do today..."
e) All of the above, in relatively quick succession.

Final question: How is the man most likely to remember Aretha Franklin's 'I say a little prayer' in the future?
a) "I remember dancing to this at my wedding..."
b) "I remember screaming in agony through this, that time when my daughter stamped on my nuts and I got third-degree scalding from the first cup of tea in bed I'd been offered in over ten years..."

4 comments:

KC said...

a hot young girl once brought me a cup of tea in bed. mmmmm...maybe I should go into hospital more often!!!

Anonymous said...

All gone very quiet in here lately. Thought I'd stir up the embers a bit.

Don't leave us wanting too long Mr L. Drizzle.

Mr Wheeliebinland :-)

PS: Love the "label cloud"

Pat said...

A whole month without our regular dose of everyday family trauma, marital disharmony, nonsense and paternal inadequacy? I'm getting schadenfreude withdrawal symptoms!

Mr Wheeliebinland said...

Poke! Poke!!!