Monday 17 March 2008

Marriage guidance: Another litany of shoddy behaviour

This post is chiefly for a recent blog visitor from Hong Kong - who, according to the tracking software that shows me where readers come from, was directed to Lemon Drizzle as a result of the Google web search: "How can I increase my marital harmony?"
What can I say? You poor, poor man. I am so sorry that the Internet, with its almost limitless wealth of available resources, has failed you quite so spectacularly. I doubt very much that the post you were directed to was of any use at all, and now I feel strangely responsible. I have visions of you on the quayside at Victoria Harbour, staring down at the water with tears streaming down your face, while your wife is busy at home cutting your suits up because you only gave her most recent dinner a mark of four out of ten...
Listen, I'm here for you, man. Seeing as you have been unlucky enough to be directed here for relationship advice, then why don't I again share some vital lessons I've learned from my own recent marital experience? I feel we're in this together now, you and me (though of course, we're not - not in any way that could be cited in any divorce proceedings, I have been legally advised to clarify).
But anyway, read on, and absorb, and I'm sure those good times will come rolling around again soon! So here's what I've learned on 'marital harmony' lately:

Do not endlessly compare your wedding ring to the tag that goes around a pigeons leg to show who it belongs to. Oh, it might seem like a good joke, and doubtless others will laugh out loud at the amusing comparison. You may even get away with it once, even twice. But if, like me, you repeat this 'joke' every time the topic of weddings or marriage comes up, it will soon lose it's power to amuse, particularly for your wife. She will, in fact, grow increasingly bitter and angry - and may even start to express a preference to be actually married to a pigeon, as they seem both more loyal and domesticated than yourself, and are certainly more capable of passing on messages, seeing as they are noted for this ability (whereas your telling her that "One of your friends phoned, can't remember who..." is not useful in any way).

Do not secretly write "I am a shoplifter" on the back of your wifes shopping list so that other shoppers can read it while she wanders around Tescos. Again: I know it seems funny, but apparently it isn't. I'll admit this was something of shock to me, but I've since been informed by a noted expert in this field that it is in fact both 'juvenile' and 'irritating'.

Toilet time is private time. A lady likes to deal with her ablutions in private, with as little attention being drawn to them as possible - so it is not acceptable, in any way, to train your children to stand outside the bathroom door performing a slow handclap while your wife is in the smallest room. Also: don't teach them to cheer if they hear a splash. Bad form all round, apparently.

If you don't like what's she's watching on TV, then bugger off out. This is apparently preferable to all of the following: sighing repeatedly, tutting, groaning, throwing cushions at the TV, or saying any of the following:
- "What else was she in?"
- "I hate him, he can't act."
- "Obvious continuity error there..."
- "That's nonsense, computers don't work like that."
- "Police procedures wouldn't possibly allow that to happen"
- "I've seen this one before, that bloke there is the murderer..."

See? All useful stuff. Stick with me, my Hong Kong friend, and I'm sure all will be well - as the recently divorced Paul McCartney once sung: "We can work it out"...


Misterimpatient said...

You're killing me! Warn me next time and I'll pee BEFORE reading your entry.

Anonymous said...

haha very funny. Poor guy - he'll be devastated if he comes back and sees this.

The shopping list idea is one I am definitely going to try out.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for sharing - it lends some insight into the male mind. (Scary neighbourhood, that.) Rather than marital harmony though, it seems more like marital retaliation. Or at least the cause for some. Retaliation, I mean.

I especially like what you wrote about the pigeon. Reliable though they are, I've no doubt they would have a tendency to poop in the worst possible places. Might be a good trade-off for getting messages in a timely fashion.

Bluegrass Widow

Anonymous said...

the slow hand-clap.....genius!!..err, sorry Nini, I meant to say very childish and immature :-)

Humphrey said...

The most important thing I have learned from just over a year of marriage is that when you move in with a woman, your kitchen instantly becomes the North Korea of the household. You only gain entry after a brutal and sadistic session of interrogation. One inside, you can do no right. Every move you make will be closely supervised and every transgression, such as putting the salt cellar on the wrong work surface, will be brutally punished. The aim is to beat you into a submissive wreak who obediently puts things in the right drawers without thinking too much about it. I’d suggest retreating to the sanctity of the living room, or better still the shed.